Thursday, October 25, 2007

What's a motherless mother to do?

Your probably expecting some picture to accompany this post. It's not gonna happen. I am grieving another loss. The loss of my life as I knew it as a mother. My mom did not get to experience this. Sometimes I wonder if she got the better end of the deal but after I typed this I realized it was stupid to even consider that thought. I have life and she does not.
My son is the Navy. No big deal to most I guess. I am frustrated at hearing over and over tired words like "Well you know, you have to let go cause he has to grow up and be on his own" and "You can't keep him forever". Well I may not be able to but I sure do want to! How my heart aches to have him and be able to tuck him in his bed with his Spiderman pajamas, his eyes like bright shiny blue marbles looking up at me with the most love and hope a little boy can have.
Life is just plain difficult some days. Today is one of them. I think, never will I have my two children home again. And in some ways I feel not needed. My heart is sad, broke and let's not even talk about what it is doing to the rest of my body!
My mother got out of this portion. I wonder if she ever thought about the day I would move out and leave her and dad? Did she mourn prematurly for my impending absence? I certainly never though it would be this painful. No one seems to understand. I would love to call her and pour out my heart to her wondering all the while what she went through when I left...but it was not to be. It did cause me to wonder what was going through my dad's mind as I left as a young bride and moved promptly one day post wedding to Virginia Beach, VA. He probably greived as well but I will never know because we, as young adults, tend to be self focused. My son is that way right now. He is probably happy to be out of the house. On his own. Not needing me anymore. I guess I am the selfish one now...wanting him back.