Your probably expecting some picture to accompany this post. It's not gonna happen. I am grieving another loss. The loss of my life as I knew it as a mother. My mom did not get to experience this. Sometimes I wonder if she got the better end of the deal but after I typed this I realized it was stupid to even consider that thought. I have life and she does not.
My son is gone...to the Navy. No big deal to most I guess. I am frustrated at hearing over and over tired words like "Well you know, you have to let go cause he has to grow up and be on his own" and "You can't keep him forever". Well I may not be able to but I sure do want to! How my heart aches to have him and be able to tuck him in his bed with his Spiderman pajamas, his eyes like bright shiny blue marbles looking up at me with the most love and hope a little boy can have.
Life is just plain difficult some days. Today is one of them. I think, never will I have my two children home again. And in some ways I feel not needed. My heart is sad, broke and let's not even talk about what it is doing to the rest of my body!
My mother got out of this portion. I wonder if she ever thought about the day I would move out and leave her and dad? Did she mourn prematurly for my impending absence? I certainly never though it would be this painful. No one seems to understand. I would love to call her and pour out my heart to her wondering all the while what she went through when I left...but it was not to be. It did cause me to wonder what was going through my dad's mind as I left as a young bride and moved promptly one day post wedding to Virginia Beach, VA. He probably greived as well but I will never know because we, as young adults, tend to be self focused. My son is that way right now. He is probably happy to be out of the house. On his own. Not needing me anymore. I guess I am the selfish one now...wanting him back.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Sunday, May 06, 2007
As I was searching for pictures for our high school senior, I came across this photo from November 1977. It was taken at 509 Stafford Dr. in Elyria-my paternal grandparents house. The picture in the background now hangs in my dining room. This must have been my goofy age. Or, wait, am I still in my goofy age?
I was gone from blogging from this site and even considered quitting. No excuses, just didn't have it in me to reach into my core to reminisce. But alas, Im back and have fresh "old" photos to share. Enjoy.
Friday, January 05, 2007
January 5, 1980. The top picture is me being carried by the fireman of the Elyria Fire Dept. The bottom post is the second half of the front page with a photo of the car and to the left of the photo is a small article about the accident. I have a flood of emotions when I see this page, which only gets pulled out once a year-after all why live with sadness and in the past?
After this front page article, people actually called the paper and wanted to adopt me...and I still had a dad-albeit critically injured. I have a whole story to tell about this day but after 27 years, I am tired of repeating it, not that I can't, but just wore out from repeating endless details. And after all this is a blog, so if you want to know more, you have to email me-you know who you are!
Time rolls on and if it were not for my faith...an unpopular subject to some...I just don't know how I could have made it through a rotten stepmother experience, dressing for high school prom alone or worrying about bills at the tender age of 16. No you can't shake my faith on this one. In fact, I will go out on a limb and say it is arrogant of some of you to think you can live your life without God. Some things never change with me: faith or the fact that I cant STAND to see kids trashing their parents verbally or otherwise..but I have to remind myself that they dont know how I feel because, thankfully, they dont have my experience to sharpen them. I dont wish being motherless on anyone...esp. as a 10 year old.
A story: my son has been wearing a winter hat (Aris) that belongs to me. I told him to please not lose it because it was given to me at my 11th birthday, 6 days after this accident. He wanted to know about the hat and I told him a neighborhood mother gave it to me at the solemn birthday party. The neighborhood mothers got together and threw me this party. And I got this grey hat and gloves from Brian's mom, my playmate down the street. It was amusing to me that my son found the sad hat "cool" after all these years.
Today I was asked how I felt, you know, anniversary and all. I told that person that after this many years, the blow has been softened and my life has so drastically done a 360 that it almost seems unreal. But when I see the front page...it is like yesterday. Thank you God, for being there that day to comfort, to protect and to lead me to you. No matter what, your still GOD. Thanks for reading...