Thursday, June 01, 2006
Never really thought about this before...
But my mother engaged in sports. The other day I pulled out some photos for this blog and it had been so long since I had seen these pix that I was amazed. It was like opening a new box of cereal and tasting it for the first time...okay that was a ridiculous example. The pix seemed new to me. I looked at things I hadn't seen before, I studied the fish that my mother caught, the bowling trophy (above), the very well dressed woman in the pictures and it was like I was looking at this stuff brand new. Yes, its been THAT long.
I dont know who these women are in this picture. Mom is third from the right in black dress and heels. She really dressed well. He life and mine are SO different. I hate dressing up, just hate it. I am not girly-girl. Could care less if my nails are done! The amazing thing that I see in those photos are a woman who lived a whole entire 42 years before being a MOTHER. She travelled, bowled, fished, worked, shopped and then she became the person I knew. The person I knew was probably depressed. I have come to that realization. Here is the situation which I think led her to become depressed. Spring of 1970 we (mom, dad, me and my mother's mother-Louise) were all travelling back from Colorado (?) and a car hit us. I don't recall all the details but the one thing I do remember that all of my kid life (0-10), I was told by my mother's family that I was the one who pulled the keys from the ignition (14 month olds just didn't get buckled up in those days!) and caused the car behind us to rear end us, thus killing Grandma Louise. Amazing that I believed that malarkey for years. When I was a teen I began to reason that I would not have been PHYSICALLY able to manuever keys from a 1966 Buick! Anyhow, my mother was at the wheel and was forever also blamed for killing her mother. What a crock! So she drank to forget. She didn't dress up much. She didn't care the longer my life went and the shorter her life went. Here is my fantasy scenario setup if I could have talked to her at my age now and hers then. (I know, but just bear with me!). "Mom, there is no way you could have known that car was going to hit ours. Please do not take responsibility for an accident you could not have prevented! Your mother knew you adored her. There is hope mom, help too for you.You are forgiven, all you have to do is ask the Lord to heal your heart and he will. It will be in HIS timing, not yours but he is in the business of taking pain and wiping it clean. How can I be of help to you mom? You can cry, it's okay..." But instead she lived with this major guilt hanging over her head. Back about 15 yrs ago, I saw her uncle. He was a hard hearted mean man and he mentioned to me that I killed my grandmother. I was pregnant with Heather at the time and it was all I could do not to deck him with my large gut! I told him I would not be receiving that blame and guilt and that he could not "do me that way". He has since died and I still reel at the thought of that horrible comment. Okay, enough digressing!