Monday, June 12, 2006

Three females, three generations and one '66 Buick

Taken in the driveway of 239 Pasedena in Elyria, OH in 1969. Here are the stats behind this one: my grandmother, Louise, in the darker dress loses her life in this car less than a year after this picture is taken in 1970. She is killed in Missouri with my mother at the wheel and me in the car. My mother, in pink, is killed 10 years later again, in an auto accident, this time in Ohio. Again, I am in the car. So...in 1990, I'm pregnant with MY daughter and it took A LOT of faithful and patient church women to convince, pray for and minister over me to assure me this was not going to be MY fate 10 years after my mother's. And you know what? It wasn't. I relied on Jeremiah 29:11: I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for disaster. Plans to give you a FUTURE and a HOPE..."

4 comments:

RunningFree said...

hi..what do I say as I read your postings, totally blown away by the STRENGTH that you have drawn from God. As a motherless mom myself, I too have no other choice but to turn to Him cause I've learned through the losses in my life that He's the only true refuge, not our enemy; he longs for us, he weaps with us, He wants so much to heal us from the pain & fill that void Himself; He created us for a purpose...not to harm us jsut like you said...Jer. 29:11 was my moms fav. verse & it is now what I cling to as well.
Im blessed to read your blog & finally find someone else who is surrendering to Jesus for strength, comfort peace & salvation in this dark confused world. Thanks for sharing yourself & blessing me tonite:) Great things await you!

Diary of a motherless daughter said...

Thanks for your encouragement. What is YOUR testimony?? I would love to hear it. Blessings to you as well!

RunningFree said...

thanks for your interest...i would love to share (but i warn you; i like to write!)lol

I came from a Christian home also. Did the church thing, my dad was a pastor everything looked sweet & all good from the outside. Then my dad left home when I was 4 so he also left the church. So there was my mom, a devout believer raising 3 kids on her own & 5 years later underwent a lumpectomy in her breast & kemo/radiation treatment for the cancer. She went into remission & all seemed well.

So when my mom remarried (I was 13) I became SO angry...I also was raped by a man 20 yrs. older when I was 15 & my anger distanced me from my mom so I left home at 15 yrs of age.(lived in group homes, friends' house & on the street some nights)
Things were rough but my mom helped out as much as she could. I was raped again at a party & with little self worth left, I fell into the arms of a seemingly charming guy. He soon exposed a jealous/controlling streak & for 2 yrs. he stalked me, beat me, held guns to me...it killed my mother inside to see me with the bruises(we were closer after I left home) but I defended him constantly. This time in highschool I try not to think about too much...He spent a little time in jail when someone witnessed his brutality-but he was 2 mos. under age 18 so he jsut got a slap on the wrist so to speak...
At 17, my mom told us that her cancer had returned & was now in her lymph nodes. Recovery wasnt expected at this point...around this same time I became pregnant with this guys child; he beat me & threatened to kill my family, unborn child & myself unless I aborted the baby. so thats what I did, reluctantly, through fear;
After the horrifying procedure I instantly hated myself & felt like death. I developed severe anorexia & depression. 2 mos. later I found out he was cheating & he finally left me alone...at 5'8 I went from 140 lbs. to 90 lbs. My mother died not 2 yrs. later & I had overwhelming guilt that she never got to meet her first grandchild.
we had, however made peace & spent a lot of time together the year prior to her death & I watched by her bed as she became unrecognizable & delusional from the morphine.
My stepfather was phenomenal-though I disrespected him throughout their 5 year marriage (though he did nothing to deserve it) he was loving, supportive & became a dad to me.
I was very angry at God after her death as were/are my 2 brothers...but 5 yrs.later, (23 yrs.old) I gave my life fully over to the Lord when I was faced with another crisis pregnancy (from my boyfriend of 1 year)...There was so much pressure on me from those around us to abort her also, but one night I asked God if He WAS real, to not let me hurt this child. I was also an alcoholic & drug user at the time & didnt know if she would be healthy. I felt a huge blanket of warmth fall over me during that prayer which I realized later, was the presence of God.
The next day I woke up with no cravings for alcohol, drugs & I felt NEW. clean.
I told my boyfriend & everyone (without fear), that I was going to have my baby. Somehow I knew everything would be alright.

My daughter was 8 lbs & healthier than ever when born & such a blessing & so full of joy! My husband is now saved also & we married a year after my daughter was born.
God made us all for a purpose, that I know now for myself...He's heard my cries & responded with love & provision again & again ever since; there have been many tragedies & losses of loved ones over the last few years including 2 suicides (32 yrs & 30), a drug overdose (14 yrs.) & about 10 deaths of close family & friends. But through every one, He has comforted & healed my brokeness. I cant imagine living without Him now. -oh I should probably mention that my dad & I are now really close; he's a passionate follower of Christ & a changed man. Our relationship has grown considerably in the last five yrs. & he lives just 40 min. away...so kind, generous, gentle & loving.

He's known to approach total strangers & ask them if they mind him sharing something that the Holy Spirit has for their life! (Hope I can develop that kind of boldness one day:)

I still however have a void where my mom was-as a mom I feel inadequate at times, without her guidance; as a daughter I miss her terribly & I still long for her to see my daughter grow & I long for my daughter to have her maternal grandma around (she has SO many questions:)
But I'm waiting for the Lord to fill that void & He's put on my heart to start a motherless daughters support group here in Ontario. Since last fall I've been busy researching & compiling info., making contacts & have discovered that theres not much to offer motherless women in Ontario! This is to me & others, another confirmation that He wants to see the motherless & motherless moms come together, learn more about themselves & connect with each other--but most importantly connect with Him & experience His healing power in their lives.
I cant wait to see what He's going to do-it will God willing open up this fall...

my heart passion is also for post-abortive women; to let them know the symptoms of post abortion syndrome (I had nearly all of them) until God healed me from the insomnia, delusions of babies cries, anorexia, mood swings...you name it!

I long to see them free also & to overcome their shame & despair by accepting Gods forgiveness.

So there is a chunk of who I was before I met Him, my loving mom, my life CHANGED forever by the blood of Christ, the power of his Holy Spirit--And thats just the tip. God IS good & he's waiting to prove it to us if only we ask! yeah, Jer. 29:11 is an awesome promise to live by...

Diary of a motherless daughter said...

Wow, incredible. Thanks for sharing. I hope it awakens others to see that there is hope when we choose to follow our ways when God's are so much better. I didn't make great choices either after my mother died. In fact, I went off the deep end for being 11 years old! But God is in the business of redeeming and I am so glad you responded! Keep in touch!