Thursday, July 13, 2006

Separation issues

Did you ever find yourself looking forward to something so much? Then it comes. The date. The day. This happened to me last weekend. I wanted to enjoy it. I tried to savor it but it was hard because of all the prep it took to get it to that point. What is worse than this? Seeing family and friends leaving....I hate it. Earlier this year I realized I have a problem with separation. And I really do believe it is because one January day in 1980 I was a carefree child looking forward to her next snowball fight and the next I was making funeral arrangements and picking out the deceased's clothing. The "rug" was pulled out from under me. Hard. I didn't see it coming. It has made me trust less (except God), skeptical, and as someone who see's the glass half empty. I was talking about this with my BF Carla when she was here for my grad party. She can make sunshine out of a rainstorm. I so wish I could have that attitude! So...when she and her husband leave the day after my party...I miss them and their friendship which is too far and few in between visits. When my in-laws leave...I cry. When a friend divorced years ago, I cried like silly. I don't like separations. I don't like not TRYING really hard at something. This is where this becomes complicated with me. I see the glass half empty...but I also think that just about everything can be worked out if your willing to just TRY. I try to get over this separation issue. I have prayed about it and believe God will help and heal me. In HIS time, not mine. I have asked friends, family etc. casually from time to time if they experience this problem with saying goodbye. Most people I know wave in the driveway, walk back in the house as their company drives away and muse about what a great visit it was. Then they go back to their routine. That is what it may look like on me externally but internally I am emotionally wrecked. And frankly, it's embarrassing. I hate it. I feel abnormal. Especially around the normal people who can just go on with life and la-la-la their way through the week. I mourn. I lament the weekend, visit, whatever is over and now we must carry on with the mundane. So far...I am the only one who struggles with this...thanks for listening.

4 comments:

RunningFree said...

You are NOT alone on this!:) I hate the goodbye thing too, so i'll just say; "See you soon" to try to trick myself into actually believing that i'll see the cousins sooner than the usual annual visit. or trying to endure the breakup of a friendship that dissloves for whatever reason & appearing aloof about it, when REALLY im scraping my heart off the sidewalk so to speak. so...yeah, back to God i go, praying he'll lift me out of it so i dont end up all zombie-like on antidepressants-thanks for being so transparent Holly, youre even funny when your sharing your struggles, lol. i think YOU have an awesome attitude, so i'll just go for it & say what people say to me; dont be so hard on yourself! good post.

Diary of a motherless daughter said...

It's always good to know that others struggle where you do as well. Thanks for sharing that. If the Lord was not in my life...I would a walking pharmacy for sure!

TL said...

Michigan Buddy - I have attachment issues... think we're two sides of the same coin???

I'm so terribly afraid of dating because I'm a big freak. Who's gonna want to deal with me?! It's that I just can't bear to let anyone go...

Diary of a motherless daughter said...

I swear people think I am a freak too!